Thursday, 24 January 2013

When did I become so soft?

Motherhood knocked me sideways.

I don't mean in coping with the mass upheaval and changes that it brings,  I mean the sheer and utter complete devotion that you feel towards this little life.

Sometimes I look at Freddie and I can't believe that I had a part in making him. I see him gurgle and smile and I wonder as to what good I've done in my life to deserve such a blessing.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the emotion and love I feel towards this tiny little man who I gave birth to less than five months ago. I look at him and I feel as if my heart could burst. He is a gift from God,  greater than I could ever imagine. 

I was driving with my mum the other day and something she said made me laugh. She said that becoming a mummy had turned me into a 'big softie'.

Prior to pregnancy, I was quite thick skinned. I found the sheer concept that my mum could cry at Coronation Street hilarious. I was loving but I just had a firm grip on my emotions.

Now I'm a mother, well I'm an emotional wreck.

The world scares me. I recognise danger so much more now. I read the newspaper and I sob. A boy of four years was brutally murdered just a couple of miles from our front door last week. We have only recently moved; hoping for a better life in a new, more affluent area. We live in a village which is quite well-to-do. Ignorantly I believed that crime wouldn't happen here.

But it does. It happens everywhere and now I am a mother, that terrifies me. The thought of my baby ever growing up and tackling this big wide world alone is horrendous.

Another thing that strikes me since F's birth is the fierce desire to protect him. I could quite easily kill anyone that harmed my precious boy. Coming from someone who wouldn't say boo to a goose prior to giving birth, that extreme hypothetical rage against anyone who would hurt my baby is crazy. My mum described it as a lioness protecting her cubs and it is, I will protect him till the day I die.

This post wasn't meant to be so raw. The inspiration came from the fact that I cried like a baby at Celebrity Big Brother tonight. Coupled with the fact that I wept at a Save the Children advert yesterday,  Mr C is highly amused that I've turned into such a softie after all these years of ridiculing my mother! Once I got writing about my feelings towards my son, they all came flooding out.

Sometimes I worry that I love him too much but I know that is not possible; all mothers feel like this.

This worry comes with being a mummy. I have an understanding with other mothers now and I appreciate that there is always someone worse off than yourself. I think of how I'd feel in their situation and my compassion is greater than ever before.

When I think about it; being a mummy hasn't made me soft. It has made me a better person; more kind, caring, appreciative and compassionate. I am experiencing life without selfishness, for the first time ever. I am also experiencing the greatest love I've ever felt, ever. My love for F has made me into a better person, an emotional wreck and the proudest person there could be 

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