This is something that has plagued my life for a significant while now and after 'coming out' on Twitter earlier, I've felt empowered to write about it publicly.
I am scared of the dentist. More than scared, terrified even. Now it's beginning to affect my day to day life, I'd go as far as to say it's a phobia.
I stopped going at around age 9 or 10. My Mum said I was simply too terrified so she stopped taking me. That was it. She gave up on the problem and now, 15 years later, I am left to deal with it. I feel slight anger toward her for abandoning the issue but I understand why she did it and as an adult and a parent myself, it is my responsibility to ensure that I overcome this and my son isn't affected by the same ill fate.
Until around 5 years ago, ignorance was the best option for me. I was blasé about the importance of oral health, lived on takeaway food, drank my bodyweight in sugary alcoholic drinks every weekend and smoked an unhealthy amount of cigarettes on a daily basis. Health wasn't my priority.
As I've got older and have become a mother, I've began to realise my responsibility to Freddie and I'm determined that he won't live in fear like I have. I want to be able to take him to regular appointments six monthly where he feels at ease. I want him to think that his Mummy is scared of nothing. His super hero. Afterall, how can I keep him safe if I'm scared too?
It's got to the point where my fear is threatening to dominate my life. It's taking a hold of my self-esteem and attempting to screw it into a ball of shattered dreams. I want to be confident.
We have a wonderful life. We're very lucky. I know this and appreciate every day for all it's worth but I'm beginning to resent having this fear on my shoulder on a daily basis.
I want to be free. I am me, holding me back from being me at my best.
Of course I'm not going to be there overnight. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
I am going to take that step.
Wish me luck.