My (not so) tiny Freddie with his tiny hands and his tiny feet. I miss the closeness of a newborn, the unfamiliarity of it and the getting to know you stage. I even miss the night feeds.
I miss this 10lbs 1.5oz bundle of complete & utter wonder.
He hasn't gone anywhere and he is more and more wonderful everyday but I'm finding myself longing for my "baby' back. I want to rewind the clock and start again and experience the last 13 months all over again.
In the first few weeks I found myself longing for him to grow. I remember being desperate for him to be older as I figured that he was safer the bigger he was. I was bursting with excitement at the prospect of hearing his first word, watching him take his first steps and having a full night of uninterrupted sleep.
Now that we've been graced with all of these, I am gripping at time pleading with it to stop. I am no longer mother to a baby, I have a toddler and along with a toddler, comes their independence.
Fred is a stubborn little monkey and as much as it pains me to admit it, it's a trait that he's inherited from me. I am fiercely independent, resilient and determined and it seems that all these have passed straight through to my son.
He no longer wants to snuggle and stroke my hair.
He no longer wants me when he wakes in the night.
He no longer needs his milkies or me to feed him with a spoon.
I feel like he no longer needs me.
Don't get me wrong, I love this stage. We play in the park, we have little conversations which I doubt either of us will ever understand and we make up the most wonderful imaginative games. He laughs, smiles, shouts and gets cross. He escapes out of the room then waits for me to see him before he climbs up the stairs frantically laughing. He squeals with delight when you chase him and he is a nightmare to clothe.
He has the best personality of anyone I've ever known. He picks up new skills everyday, grows that inch taller every time I blink and has a brain like a sponge.
I think really, he'll always be my baby... even when he's 21 (Beware potential future girlfriends!) but I'm stuck in this horrendous cycle of missing who he was yesterday and being impatient to meet who he'll be tomorrow.
As with lots of these journey's I've been on over the last 13 months; you can't bloody win!
He's so grown up, he can unwrap his own chocolates. I've taught him well! ;)