As I have mentioned a bazillion times before, in near enough 9 months, I'm getting wed!
And last night we had the first 'Bridezilla' attack.
I swore I wouldn't be like this. I was adamant that I could retain my calm and collected composure at all times and let my natural 'planner' personality shine. Sounds simple eh? Well for anyone who's planned a wedding, you'll know when it comes to weddings... NOTHING is simple.
I was adamant I wouldn't let it consume me and to a point, because I'm such a busy Mummy; it doesn't. But when F is in bed and I should be winding down and recharging the old batteries with a glass of Prosecco, I'm not. I'm thinking table plans, colour schemes and god damn bleeding dresses!
I mentioned before about my dress dilemma and after trying it on tonight, I'm still not sure but that's the least of my worries. We've gone into rockier territory. We've got into family politics.
I'm from a large family with quite a lot of women. I have quite a few female cousins and Aunts who aren't much older than me so sometimes, things can become rather bitchy.
Coupled with the fact that my psychotic younger brother has decided (somewhat sneakily/coincidentally/redicilously) that he is going to get married 8 weeks after me, I'm at the end of my tether. There should be some sort of unwritten rule that siblings shouldn't marry within the same year, I've decided.
Call me selfish, Bridezilla, a diva, I've had them all but I'm somewhat disheartened because last night was meant to be about me. I couldn't care less that they are getting married, it's the fact that they've chosen it so close to mine (even though they've been together two minutes) and therefore its already imposing on my plans. I know, it sounds pathetic.
Another thing is I'm still not 100% on my dress. I really don't think it's 'the one'. Last night it felt bigger than ever and with all the bitchiness at the minute, I feel like drawing attention to myself is the last thing I want to do. I can practically hear them remarking when I walk down the aisle and I think, if my dress was 'the one', then I wouldn't give too hoots about what the haters said.
The culmination of all this led to my first Bridezilla moment (I'm assured everyone has them!) and then a build up of everything coupled with the fact that F isn't sleeping, meant that I just broke down. Everything I have and every spare bit of money I earn is going into this and it seems like it's all going to go tits up.
My one saving grace in all of is this is that my wonderful chief bridesmaid and my older bridesmaid were amazing. And I mean amazing. They completely defended me when the others thought I was being ridiculous and my chief even genuinely offered to pay for a new dress. Of course I'd never take her up on the offer but it was truly heartwarming to know that she would and she really meant it.
I know I'm blessed. I am marrying the most wonderful man and we have the best son we could ever wish for to be part of our day. Our chief bridesmaid proved her self to be entirely worthy of her role (not that I'd ever doubt that) and I found out that the people who'll be standing at the front, are the people who I live and cherish the most.
But still, families. Why are they so stupidly complicated?!